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Jan. 4th, 2006 @ 08:58 pm IVF ramblings
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I gave myself my first injection of suprefact for this round tonight. In some ways it is so much better doing subcutaneous injections, but in other ways it isn't. It's good that I don't have the huge intra-muscular needle and associated owies, but it isn't so great that I give myself the sub-Q injections. My hands were shaking like crazy, and I have to do this at least 20 more times. Okay, I have to stop thinking about that now. Luckily my doc prescribed Prometrium rather than projesterone in oil this time around. Sure it may be a bit gunkier, but needles really freak me out. You would think the daily injections, bloodtests and the occasional IV would have helped me to get over this, but nope, I'm as squidgy about them today as I've always been.

I lie awake at night worrying about whether this will work or not, worrying about the future of our potential children, worrying about everything. I'm not sure if I'm more scared that it won't work or that it will. We've wanted this for so long, and this is the last time we are going to try, but we've changed in the last seven years, we've gotten older, more set in our ways, and more tired. The only thing that has remained constant is our IVF journey. Either way, at the end of January, that is done. Then what? Are we too selfish? Too selfish to have a child? Too selfish for wanting a child?

The IVF experience is truly a strange one. It is the same as for any hopeful parent in someways, but in others it is so clinical and far removed from the natural act. I assault my body with hormones for a month in order to make it bend to the will of my doctor. I am charted and poked and prodded, every stage monitored. When everything looks just right, ovulation is triggered, and this in itself is precisely monitored, down to a three hour window.

I happen to believe that life begins at conception. We know exactly when we conceive. Not leaving anything to chance, we actually have decided to opt for a procedure called ICSI. We haven't had problems with fertilization before, but this is our third round of IVF, so we are leaving nothing to chance. No prom in the petri dish this time around. None of my girls are going to be wallflowers! We will know how many eggs are fertilized almost immediately. We will know how many of the fertilized eggs make it to the third day, and how many make it to the fifth day. On (hopefully) the fifth day, we know how many embryos are returned to my womb. At that point it's out of the doctor's hands and up to me. I have to make a home for these little lives, nurture them and allow them to grow. Although there is technically no reason it won't work, that won't make it any easier if it doesn't. I've had 3 surgeries, had both tubes removed, so there is no chance of any external (well internal to me) factors possibly messing this up. We've had two runs at IVF, so we know what levels of medication will work for me, so I don't end up in the hospital again. We know my girls and his boys play well togehter, so it's all down to my womb at that point, and I see it as a judgement as to whether we'll make good parents.
Who does she think she is?
catspit
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From:dbaxdevilsfan
Date:January 5th, 2006 02:12 am (UTC)
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wow, I couldn't imagine going through all that. I have my fingers and toes (and everything else!) crossed for you!!!!!! :)
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From:neeroc
Date:January 5th, 2006 04:37 pm (UTC)
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Thanks very much *g*
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From:radiostace
Date:January 5th, 2006 02:13 am (UTC)
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I wish Dan and I could've even been candidates for this... his sperm count came back as ZERO. Even if we'd found one sperm, we would've tried. I hate that I allowed myself to hope during all the initial tests.

I wish you luck.
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From:neeroc
Date:January 5th, 2006 03:14 am (UTC)
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Oh I'm so sorry, I know I shouldn't whine.

You had to have hope, that is what those tests and trials were all about. Do you still keep up on latest research or have you closed that book?

I think that is the biggest reason I'm so freaked out this time. It's probably our last shot, and I know we won't have any hope after this.
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From:radiostace
Date:January 5th, 2006 04:58 am (UTC)
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There's no point in keeping up on research with a zero sperm count. The only hope we had was cloning, and we actually researched a fair bit into its potential. But, it's still illegal in Canada.

To be honest, I still have a tough time accepting this, hence the counseling. If my friends or sisters discuss pregnancy, I just ignore the conversations, since I'll never be able to share in the miracle.
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From:neeroc
Date:January 5th, 2006 07:22 pm (UTC)
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Sorry if I've been insensitive. I understand there are all kinds of reasons for a zero sperm count and that some of them can be worked around with microsurgical epididymal sperm aspiration, but that sometimes there are other genetic issues that come into play too.

I didn't know cloning was that far along either!

I'm sorry if my posts are causing you any pain, you make sure to tell me if you want them filtered. I really enjoy talking to you and getting your POV, and I'd hate to cause you any discomfort.
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From:radiostace
Date:January 5th, 2006 08:58 pm (UTC)
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Oh man, please don't think you're being insensitive... this is your LJ, first and foremost! Plus, I'm rooting for you, I really am!

There are plenty of reasons for a zero sperm count, but I didn't want to pressure Dan into other surgeries and tests, considering all he had to go through just to get to where we are. We're 99.9999999% positive the reason is due to the radiation (and maybe even the chemo) treatment he had for his cancer when he was 20. The oncologist told him back then he might not be able to have kids as a result. Yes, there are cases of blockages and other such things, but he's always been at peace with this; he's had 20 years to accept this... I have not. I WAS okay with it until he suggested taking more tests. Then, I allowed hope into my life, which was a bad thing.

Because the problem lies with Dan, I know I've always had the option to get a sperm donor. But, I don't feel comfortable carrying someone elses child.

Now, if I was single, that would be a different story...
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From:patticakes73
Date:January 5th, 2006 04:54 am (UTC)
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Good luck to you. I have another friend on my LJ who is going through IVF, and although I don't know much about it, it sounds like an incredible experience to say the least.

I wish you well!
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From:neeroc
Date:January 5th, 2006 07:11 pm (UTC)
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Thanks. It is really, really odd. Very clinical and yet totally emotional at the same time.
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From:friscokitty
Date:January 5th, 2006 02:03 pm (UTC)
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Holy moly....I will be thinking of you a LOT, and hopign for the best possible outcome. (((HUGS))) Best wishes to both of you!!
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From:neeroc
Date:January 5th, 2006 07:11 pm (UTC)
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We need all the good wishes we can get *g* thanks.
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From:running5k2day
Date:January 6th, 2006 01:02 am (UTC)
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Oh my gosh! I am wishing you both the best of baby-making luck. I know it's been a long road full of all types of experiences and emotions...we are all crossing our fingers for beautiful results.

*I could NEVER inject myself. I am such a big wimp! You should have heard my screams, then my cries when I was doing my rounds. My-My-My-I was so pathetic!*
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From:neeroc
Date:January 6th, 2006 03:55 am (UTC)
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Heh. I'm assuming your hubby was there for you for the injections? Was there much eye rolling? I wouldn't have pictured you carrying on about them *g*
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From:moongarden1971
Date:January 7th, 2006 08:48 am (UTC)
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Good luck on everything. I hope this works for you guys! I don't understand anything about it but it sounds painful. I hope you are okay.
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