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Nov. 26th, 2006 @ 11:44 pm F-U-N-K
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I'm in one. I can't even begin to express the morass I am wallowing in. So much of this is being dredged up by the number of pregnancies and newborns around me. I thought I had a handle on the miscarriages, but then I realize this should be 'baby's first christmas' and I lose it. It isn't so much the commercial idea, but rather the fact that this is a milestone that we should be celebrating in our family. I usually love Christmas, and yet this year I don't even want to be here or think about it.

With everyone around me pregnant or parents I just feel like such a complete incompetent. Then, the more depressed I get, the less I do, the less energy I have, and the more I feel like I shouldn't ever be anyone's parent. But if not that then what? I mean, I had plans of finishing my school and going on to teacher's college, I have desires to make an impact, but I've put them all on hold while we go through IVF. Should we still be doing this? Or should we just realize that it will never happen and move on? Can I deal with everyone always asking me when it's my turn? When am I going to have children now that my baby sister is? Can I deal with never having children? Will I ever have children?

I realized the other day that I had been so insulated in my TTC journey. Although we have been trying for somewhere close to 10 years now, we were the only ones. When we started with the RE, we were still the only ones. I was surrounded by women of childbearing age, and I was the only one that was trying to get pregnant. I had one friend with children, the rest of us were rather carefree. Three years ago that started to change, slowly sure, but there are now very few non-parents or parents to be. And I was alright with the children, up until my first miscarriage. Before the miscarriage, parenthood seemed more attainable. IVF would work. One sticky embryo was all we needed, that next surgery was all we needed. But now there is no reason. They just didn't live and all those children remind me of the child we could have had.

Harder yet is the fact that my knitting buddies are now all pregnant at once. I don't begrudge them their pregnancies, some had some pretty hard journeys themselves. But it still broke my heart when I heard about the last knitwit pregnancy, because right at that moment I realized I lost three friends. Out of our knitting group, 4 of us are in a position to have children, and three of them are pregnant. Right now I am not going to be a mother and they are.

Even in the TTC communities, I've made some great friends, but they've almost all had success. I'm like the slow kid. And it pains me to see the new people join and 'graduate'.

We will be trying again in January, but if it doesn't work, we're off the train. Since April of 05 we have had a failed FET, and two miscarriages. Since '99 I have had a total of 3 surgeries, 1 bout of OHSS that ended me in the hospital, 4 rounds of IVF and 2 FETs. We need to focus on something else. I hope it is our baby, but if not, hubby and I will find something. Maybe we'll find it in Mexico or Cuba or Tobago, but we will find it.
Who does she think she is?
bleedinghearts
From:aussieteddie
Date:November 27th, 2006 05:43 am (UTC)
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I know there is nothing I can do to help you, but I hope my words will give you some comfort. I will not even pretend to imagine what you would be going through right so I won't try, but believe me my heart does go out to you and your hubby for the pain and heartache that you are going through now. Thinking of you *hugs*
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From:neeroc
Date:November 28th, 2006 05:28 am (UTC)
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Thanks very much. Stayed home today, feeling a bit better, but it comes and goes, so I'll hope it sticks around for a while this time.
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From:jennygel7
Date:November 27th, 2006 06:28 am (UTC)
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My mom tried to get pregnant for 7 years before she had me at 28. Which, in the early 70s was quite late.

They went to tonnes of doctors, had a variety of treatments, but finally just quit.

She got pregnant with me on a trip to New Brunswick after drinking a bottle of Baby Duck.

Try not to think about things so much (although, who am I to give you such advice?) and buy a bottle of cheap wine. You never know.
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From:neeroc
Date:November 28th, 2006 05:29 am (UTC)
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Heh. Believe me, if there was any chance that would work I'd be on the biggest bender ever seen *g*.
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From:ladybug777
Date:November 27th, 2006 04:27 pm (UTC)
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Just wanted to stop by and lend my support. Thinking of you.
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From:neeroc
Date:November 28th, 2006 05:38 am (UTC)
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Thanks, venting helped.
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From:jiliana
Date:November 28th, 2006 12:35 pm (UTC)
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Aw hon, I can SO relate to the emotions you're having right now. Watching all my childhood friends have their children, watching co-workers announce their joyous news, and yes, evening seeing other relative newbies in the TTC communities "graduate" soon after they join. It's heartbreaking. As time goes by, it's harder and harder to find couples without children to socialize with; those who have kids don't often "get it" and it's hard to watch their children grow up. Believe you me, if a bottle of Baby Duck was all it took, I'd have shares in the Liquor Corporation. All I can offer is... be good to yourself, take care of your relationship with your husband, and remember to concentrate on you. Because as we travel down this road, it is you and your personal relationships that can keep you sane. Sending so much love, and many many hugs.
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From:neeroc
Date:November 29th, 2006 08:14 pm (UTC)
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Thank you very much. How are you feeling these days?
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From:devaux
Date:November 28th, 2006 06:35 pm (UTC)
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**hugs**

Do you mind my asking if you've thought about adoption?
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From:neeroc
Date:November 29th, 2006 08:18 pm (UTC)
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We have always intended to adopt as well. We just decided to do them one at a time. I don't think I could handle two emotional roller coasters at once. We did start down the adoption road, but put it off for the intense IVF stuff.

Thanks for the hugs.
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From:(Anonymous)
Date:November 29th, 2006 06:10 pm (UTC)
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Have been through this years ago - and realized that if we'd started the adoption process right away, we'd have a child now, instead of just disappointment.

I hope you can pick up the pieces and move on. Be strong.
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From:redgemini
Date:December 1st, 2006 06:48 am (UTC)
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Thinking of you also. I've been trying to find the right words to respond, and I'm not sure I have them, but I hear what you are saying.

I know for me, I didn't realize when I joined infertility support groups that somehow, paradoxically, I could end up surrounded by a lot of pregnant women and there were times when it was doubly painful.

You will be a parent, that's the only thing I know for sure.
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From:neeroc
Date:December 6th, 2006 06:37 pm (UTC)
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((hugs))

Your support means a lot to me. I've gone off and buried myself in knitting projects and random tech journals the past week or so. One is to get my butt ready for Christmas, the other is just to escape.

Your icon is killing me *g*
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