I woke up early Sunday morning to the pitter-patter of little feet followed by a plea to be helped into bed. I pulled her up and she quickly snuggled in, giggling and nuzzling, sticking her cold feet on me to warm them up. I listened while her breathing slowed, taking in her tiny peaceful face and her sweet blonde curls. I kissed her and drifted, and before I knew it I was back in a familiar space - my desire for another child, the ache, the emptiness. Much like my life, my mental state, I was in limbo. I wasn't really dreaming or day dreaming, and not awake, but somewhere in between. Where ever it was, it had me absorbed, lost. Then slowly became aware that the dozing little girl beside me was now giggling like mad, involved in a tickle fight with her father. And I was missing it.
That feeling has stuck with me this entire Family Day. I'm not sure this is the first time this has happened, the first missed moment with V, but it's certainly the first time I've noticed. Talk about a wake up call. It stole 10 years of my life, I'm not going to allow infertility to steal my time with the little girl we fought so hard for. I will not allow my conflicted state to consume me. We will be making some decisions, reaching closure. It won't be easy, but then, neither is this. And she deserves better.