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Mar. 29th, 2006 @ 01:15 am Small steps
I went to work today. I didn't really realize how sad I was until I was out among other people. People that I've had an easy relationship with in the past I just don't know how to socialize with right now. The guys missed me and made a big fuss about how I was back and the office wouldn't be quiet anymore - I'm sure they'll regret that some day.

At lunch I went out with my fellow knitwit Nora, we first hit the local yarn store, where I got lots of hugs and a few eeeee!'s from Louise. It was a beautiful day out and neither of us felt like going back after visiting the yarn pimp, so we hit the local Starbucks for a snack and cappuccino. I haven't had one of those in forever. It was nice to sit out without a jacket. It appears that it's a bit more caffeine than I'm used to as I'm up several hours later than I should be.

I am depressed and don't want to admit it for a variety of stupid reasons, including, but not limited to: it could jeopardize the timing of future IVF attempts, it could impact any adoption/fostering decisions we make, it will affect my work and I don't have a family doctor at the moment. Adoption and fostering were never an 'or' to us, they were always an 'and'. It's way too early to start talking about it, but it'll be there some day. The depression isn't as bad as it has been, but I am seeing some signs and I'm hoping that I can just acknowledge it and work through it.
Who does she think she is?
catspit
From:aussieteddie
Date:March 29th, 2006 07:08 am (UTC)
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I hope things will improve for you soon *sending over positive and loving vibes* xxx
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From:neeroc
Date:March 30th, 2006 03:33 am (UTC)
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I appreciate them ((hugs))
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From:unorthodox_muse
Date:March 29th, 2006 09:48 am (UTC)
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I admire your strength, lady. Anyone would be depressed in your current situation - you are holding up just fine. I truly truly admire you.
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From:neeroc
Date:March 30th, 2006 03:33 am (UTC)
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Wow. You blew me away with this comment. After all that you've been through this year I admire *your* strength. Thank you.
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From:unorthodox_muse
Date:March 30th, 2006 05:29 am (UTC)
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We can just feed off each other then, alright? *GriN*

Watch out world! And we ain't strong smellin! (I remember some drunk lady said that to me in a bar once.....)
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From:neeroc
Date:March 30th, 2006 03:31 am (UTC)
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Thank you so much for being so supportive, I really do find that it helps to get it out here, but I'm afraid too of turning into a whiny journal, which I know is no fun to read.

The fact that we did get pregnant really, really does make it that much harder. Hubby didn't really want to try this round, he's really concerned about my health and the emotional toll it takes. This hit him really hard, and I don't know if he'll be up for trying again. That doesn't even take into account that we are no longer covered for anything so the finances get a lot more complicated - sigh. Not something I want to deal with now.
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From:puffmattie
Date:March 29th, 2006 11:16 am (UTC)
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I'm proud that you're taking your time and easing your way back into things! At least you managed to spend some time with the yarn pimp. So whatcha gonna make? You do realise we'll need pictures of these masterpieces, right? Dang, I can barely tie my shoes and you knit like it's second nature!
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From:neeroc
Date:March 30th, 2006 03:27 am (UTC)
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Heh - I didn't actually buy any wool, I just bought needles. I have this huge stash of yarn at work, but no needles if the urge struck. Now that that's fixed, I think I'll start on a sock *g*
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From:puffmattie
Date:March 30th, 2006 01:54 pm (UTC)
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You rock with the knitting! I want a talent like that!
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From:friscokitty
Date:March 29th, 2006 03:25 pm (UTC)
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Part of grieving and loss is depression. It's a normal human reaction to what you have gone through. Keep an eye on it, but give yourself the time to heal and know that this is part of the healing process.

I had been afraid to ask, but I am glad to know that you haven't ruled out future IVF treatments. I know that this pregnancy didn't turn out the way we all had been hoping for, but it DID work in that the embryo implanted and you became pregnant. The death of a developing embryo and subsequent miscarriage is a tragedy that can happen to anyone...it's just so much more frustrating given what you went through. There is still hope...just give yourself some time before you try again to make sure you're emotionally ready.

I also wanted to ask a sensitive question...would you like me to filter you out of any of my pregnancy posts right now? I am aware that reading about other people's pregnancies might be hard for you right now, and I wanted to make that offer to you.

(((HUGS))) Please take care of yourself.
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From:neeroc
Date:March 30th, 2006 03:26 am (UTC)
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I haven't really ruled it out, I would try as many times as it took. My hubby didn't really want to try this time, and the finances get more complicated from here, so while I'd like to, I'm not sure it will happen again.

Thank you so much for the kind offer of the filter, but I think I'm okay. It's sometimes hard, but I know the world isn't going to stop and wait for me, and I do want to be able to hear about your experiences. Thank you for being so supportive.
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From:moongarden1971
Date:April 6th, 2006 12:44 am (UTC)
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I am SO sorry Hon that you are going thru such hard times. I hope you can get through this okay.

Where would you and your husband like to adopt from?
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From:neeroc
Date:April 9th, 2006 02:08 am (UTC)
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We would adopt or foster from the Children's Aid Society here, if they'd let us (they generally have age restrictions for 1st time parents).

One of the things that hubby and I have always agreed on is that when we adopt a child we don't need to adopt an infant. There are so many children in care that are older that need love, a stable home and everything we can provide, that we just wouldn't feel right excluding them because of their age.
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