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Sep. 22nd, 2006 @ 05:48 pm Welcome to my breakdown. I hope I didn't scare you
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I have my up moments and my down moments these days. I swear at the end of this all I am going to have the biggest meltdown ever witnessed. I have not yet come to terms with, or been able to deal with this miscarriage. Some part of me still doesn't believe that it is truly over. I went for a pregnancy test at a clinic last Friday and I *still* do not have the results. Given the pain that I was in on the weekend, I'm not sure if I want to hear the results. What if I was still pregnant and lost it last weekend? What if I wasn't? Why do I still find myself crying almost every chance I'm alone? Why do I answer 'good' when people ask me how I'm doing?

The IT audit and business controls visit is next week. The pressure I am feeling and the anxiety I have is incredible. I go to bed at 1 most mornings and just as I begin to drift off I think of something else and am back up. My boss kindly asked me if I needed some time off but I can't do that to him, there is so much to do to make sure things go okay and the teams have all the information they need. In my more frazzled times I fantasize about being hassled and just up and quiting with a 'who needs this shit' attitude. Hopefully, I'll be able to keep a handle on that next week! Apparently my boss thinks I'm a perfect candidate for doing it too. I'll be taking the week after the TRA off, they can wait a week for my updates. The sad thing about it too is that most people assume that after the audit things will lessen up, but in reality, after the audit is when the real pressure is on, to fix any findings they might have.

Then I have the fertile friends. The weekend of Sept 30 there are two showers for one of the couples we ski with. They got pregnant at the same time we did in January, she just managed to have a lot more success with it. The early part of this week at work was pretty hard for me to deal with, with Nora taking her last days (yes she's only 13 weeks, but she's having quads!) Everyone in the office is so excited for them (as am I) but I couldn't handle it. She and I did talk and she understands completely how I feel. She has offered to be my knitting escape if I need to leave the office. I can see myself taking her up on that real soon. At the same time, one of my other co-workers announced he and his wife are expecting again.

People have stopped congratulating me on becoming an auntie too (my sister is 4 mos). It's hard when you work in a little office, my sister is married to one of the developers - actually she used to work with me too. So people assume I'm super excited and keep asking me about it. I know they don't know I miscarried that week, but I can really only fake it for so long. Yes I'm happy for Stella, but I need time to heal.

I need time to get over feeling like a complete failure. Two miscarriages in 6 months, when the embryos were the best they could be, and they gave me two chances each time. I need time just to curl up and get myself back under control, I need to stop neglecting myself, my house and my husband. Hopefully that will come in a week or so. I'm on autopilot until then.
Who does she think she is?
balloonstring
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From:radiostace
Date:September 22nd, 2006 10:55 pm (UTC)
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While I can't empathize with you 100%, as I've never had the chance to be pregnant, I sure know what it's like watching everyone around me concieve and have babies. It still hurts, and I've stopped talking to people about it because I sound like a damn broken record.

I can't imagine the dark emptiness you might be feeling after losing 2 babies-to-be. I'm just sorry that you're going through such difficult times. I guess some of us "good guys" aren't the chosen ones to receive something most fertile people take for granted.
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From:neeroc
Date:September 26th, 2006 02:52 am (UTC)
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Thanks Stace it is so hard to talk about it when it seems that everyone is having kids too. I'm not jealous, but it hurts so much, and I don't know how to get that difference across, so I'm just avoiding the topic as much as I can.

It was easier to have hope when I got the negative pregnancy tests. These miscarriages make me think there is something else wrong with me.

Thanks for letting me ramble.
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From:ladybug777
Date:September 22nd, 2006 11:10 pm (UTC)
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I think your feelings are totally understandable. 2 miscarriages in 6 months is a lot to deal with. Take some time for yourself before you worry about taking care of everyone else. You're in my thoughts.
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From:leelu92
Date:September 22nd, 2006 11:43 pm (UTC)
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I'm just so sad that you are going through this again. My fertlity attempts just resulted negatives- so I never felt that loss of getting pregnant and then the loss of it. I hate that you feel like a failure- the best thing I can say is that you have to remember that you are not in control of sooo much of this whole situation. I remember telling myself that over and over again throughout the years. Somehow, I finally figured out how to stop (what I called ) "White knuckling"...holding on so tight and stressing over everything. I wish I could help you with that...I wish I could help in you in any way possible.
Instead I present to you cyberhugs and cyberchocloate....
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From:neeroc
Date:September 25th, 2006 06:00 pm (UTC)
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Thank you so much. After the first m/c I stated that I would have preferred to have not gotten pregnant, and most people seemed boggled by it. But it's true. It was much easier to accept a negative to a positive and loss.

I am looking for every way possible to arrange time off for the next round, some things are just more important.
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From:moongarden1971
Date:September 23rd, 2006 12:16 am (UTC)
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I kind of know how you feel since I know I can never have children whether I'm fertile or not. I'm too sick to, and that makes me really angry too. I am the last female in my family able to reproduce and I won't ever be able to do it. My best friend is 32 weeks pregnant and it is all I can do just to talk to her about it.
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From:neeroc
Date:September 26th, 2006 03:00 am (UTC)
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((hugs)) I totally understand the anger. It's crappy that anyone has to go through this pain.
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From:aussieteddie
Date:September 23rd, 2006 04:46 am (UTC)
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I can not even begin to think or understand what you must be feeling with 2 miscarriages in 6 months. I am not a mother nor have I been pregnant. So I won't even try. Just letting you know that I am thinking about you. *hugs*

I can say that I do understand what you are going through not being a mother and having friends and family being pregnant around you. I do understand how difficult this must be as I have been down that path many times before. *hugs*

You will come back to your normal self when you feel the time is right. Not matter what I will be here.
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From:neeroc
Date:September 26th, 2006 03:01 am (UTC)
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Thank you very much for your support, I really appreciate it.
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From:neeroc
Date:September 26th, 2006 03:01 am (UTC)
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Thanks K.

The sad thing is I decided not to take classes this term because of the TTC. Maybe I'll look for Spanish or piano lessons.
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From:tarheel_born
Date:September 23rd, 2006 04:34 pm (UTC)
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Two miscarriages is a lot to deal with much less in such a short time frame. This is just such hard stuff and it seems to get harder, not easier. You just have to do what you can and let your autopilot do it's thing until you can do more.

I can't imagine going to a baby shower these days so if you find yourself sending a nice gift and regrets that's ok.

Thinking of you.
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From:neeroc
Date:September 26th, 2006 02:45 am (UTC)
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Ya, my knitting has slowed down these days - it's like I'm working my way out of going.

Autopilot is at least another week. Thanks.
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From:friscokitty
Date:September 23rd, 2006 05:33 pm (UTC)
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:*(

(((HUGS)))
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From:neeroc
Date:September 26th, 2006 02:44 am (UTC)
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Thank you. I hope you had a good start to this week.
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From:teendoc
Date:September 24th, 2006 04:37 pm (UTC)
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I am so sorry for this loss. There are no words that truly soothe this pain. Just take your time before you move through the healing process.
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