neeroc (neeroc) wrote,


I'm in one. I can't even begin to express the morass I am wallowing in. So much of this is being dredged up by the number of pregnancies and newborns around me. I thought I had a handle on the miscarriages, but then I realize this should be 'baby's first christmas' and I lose it. It isn't so much the commercial idea, but rather the fact that this is a milestone that we should be celebrating in our family. I usually love Christmas, and yet this year I don't even want to be here or think about it.

With everyone around me pregnant or parents I just feel like such a complete incompetent. Then, the more depressed I get, the less I do, the less energy I have, and the more I feel like I shouldn't ever be anyone's parent. But if not that then what? I mean, I had plans of finishing my school and going on to teacher's college, I have desires to make an impact, but I've put them all on hold while we go through IVF. Should we still be doing this? Or should we just realize that it will never happen and move on? Can I deal with everyone always asking me when it's my turn? When am I going to have children now that my baby sister is? Can I deal with never having children? Will I ever have children?

I realized the other day that I had been so insulated in my TTC journey. Although we have been trying for somewhere close to 10 years now, we were the only ones. When we started with the RE, we were still the only ones. I was surrounded by women of childbearing age, and I was the only one that was trying to get pregnant. I had one friend with children, the rest of us were rather carefree. Three years ago that started to change, slowly sure, but there are now very few non-parents or parents to be. And I was alright with the children, up until my first miscarriage. Before the miscarriage, parenthood seemed more attainable. IVF would work. One sticky embryo was all we needed, that next surgery was all we needed. But now there is no reason. They just didn't live and all those children remind me of the child we could have had.

Harder yet is the fact that my knitting buddies are now all pregnant at once. I don't begrudge them their pregnancies, some had some pretty hard journeys themselves. But it still broke my heart when I heard about the last knitwit pregnancy, because right at that moment I realized I lost three friends. Out of our knitting group, 4 of us are in a position to have children, and three of them are pregnant. Right now I am not going to be a mother and they are.

Even in the TTC communities, I've made some great friends, but they've almost all had success. I'm like the slow kid. And it pains me to see the new people join and 'graduate'.

We will be trying again in January, but if it doesn't work, we're off the train. Since April of 05 we have had a failed FET, and two miscarriages. Since '99 I have had a total of 3 surgeries, 1 bout of OHSS that ended me in the hospital, 4 rounds of IVF and 2 FETs. We need to focus on something else. I hope it is our baby, but if not, hubby and I will find something. Maybe we'll find it in Mexico or Cuba or Tobago, but we will find it.
Tags: ivf, miscarriage
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