Chasing my tail

Yesterday we were up at O'way-too-early to get in to the clinic at 7:30. I was the only retrieval they had scheduled yesterday, so the retrieval staff were quite relaxed. After several pokes and jabs (antibiotics, relaxants (aka drooly drugs) and the IV) they started me on a medication to bring my heartrate up - it's generally 53 bpm at rest and they worried about it being so low and the ketamine (there was a cocktail but that's the only name I remember).

I was wheeled into the retrieval room and prepped and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. My clinic is not in a hospital and does not have an anesthesiologist, so the procedure is always done awake. This being the fifth time, I'm pretty used to it, and they are very good at managing discomfort.

The only pain worse than having a needle jabbed repeatedly into your ovaries is finding out that they did not find a single egg in all those lovely follicles. This is what happened on my left side. The did find a great deal of blood in one of the follicles and they figure that it absorbed all of the hormones and trigger meds. I was as upset as the meds allowed.

Before switching to the right, a second doctor came in to finish the procedure, I guess a two sets of eyes sort of thing. Out of all the follicles on my right side, they found a total of 6 eggs. This almost guarantees that this will be a 3 day transfer, if any, as in order to go to 5, you need to have 5 fertilized on Day 2.

I am heartbroken and fearful that we will end up with no fertilized eggs this time. My mind and my heart aren't on speaking terms at the moment. I know I should be relaxing and taking it easy, but it is almost impossible. I know it only takes one, but I am not convinced that we will get one. They will be calling this afternoon with a fertilization report, I'm not sure how I'm going to stop obsessing until then. When I wasn't sleeping the drugs off yesterday I was crying.

For being such a natural pessimist, I never saw this coming. I mean, I've always had tonnes of eggs. I've always gotten at least a few fertilized. We usually go to Day-5 transfer. I was prepared for another miscarriage, another non-pregnancy, but to not even get the chance? I'm just not ready to handle that.

Topping all of this wonderfulness off, today is the one year anniversary of our second ultrasound. The one where they found no heartbeat. I guess I shouldn't have expected to divert my attention from that with looking forward to another chance at pregnancy.