September 22nd, 2006


Welcome to my breakdown. I hope I didn't scare you

I have my up moments and my down moments these days. I swear at the end of this all I am going to have the biggest meltdown ever witnessed. I have not yet come to terms with, or been able to deal with this miscarriage. Some part of me still doesn't believe that it is truly over. I went for a pregnancy test at a clinic last Friday and I *still* do not have the results. Given the pain that I was in on the weekend, I'm not sure if I want to hear the results. What if I was still pregnant and lost it last weekend? What if I wasn't? Why do I still find myself crying almost every chance I'm alone? Why do I answer 'good' when people ask me how I'm doing?

The IT audit and business controls visit is next week. The pressure I am feeling and the anxiety I have is incredible. I go to bed at 1 most mornings and just as I begin to drift off I think of something else and am back up. My boss kindly asked me if I needed some time off but I can't do that to him, there is so much to do to make sure things go okay and the teams have all the information they need. In my more frazzled times I fantasize about being hassled and just up and quiting with a 'who needs this shit' attitude. Hopefully, I'll be able to keep a handle on that next week! Apparently my boss thinks I'm a perfect candidate for doing it too. I'll be taking the week after the TRA off, they can wait a week for my updates. The sad thing about it too is that most people assume that after the audit things will lessen up, but in reality, after the audit is when the real pressure is on, to fix any findings they might have.

Then I have the fertile friends. The weekend of Sept 30 there are two showers for one of the couples we ski with. They got pregnant at the same time we did in January, she just managed to have a lot more success with it. The early part of this week at work was pretty hard for me to deal with, with Nora taking her last days (yes she's only 13 weeks, but she's having quads!) Everyone in the office is so excited for them (as am I) but I couldn't handle it. She and I did talk and she understands completely how I feel. She has offered to be my knitting escape if I need to leave the office. I can see myself taking her up on that real soon. At the same time, one of my other co-workers announced he and his wife are expecting again.

People have stopped congratulating me on becoming an auntie too (my sister is 4 mos). It's hard when you work in a little office, my sister is married to one of the developers - actually she used to work with me too. So people assume I'm super excited and keep asking me about it. I know they don't know I miscarried that week, but I can really only fake it for so long. Yes I'm happy for Stella, but I need time to heal.

I need time to get over feeling like a complete failure. Two miscarriages in 6 months, when the embryos were the best they could be, and they gave me two chances each time. I need time just to curl up and get myself back under control, I need to stop neglecting myself, my house and my husband. Hopefully that will come in a week or so. I'm on autopilot until then.