August 21st, 2010


The post I need to write

It's been a long time since I gave a real update here and I've been struggling with my lack of posting. Much of the posting I had done was in private posts that I'll now be unlocking. I have a post, it has really been weighing on my mind, and blocking my ability to have any other conversations here, so here goes:

Hubby and I tried another round of IVF early this spring. As usual, I reacted really, really well to the drugs and they had to carefully manage me so I didn't overstimulate. They transferred 3 and I received a positive beta. Unfortunately I started bleeding the week before the test was done. I was told the usual - bleeding doesn't mean a miscarriage, but I *knew*. I repeated the beta, and repeated it again. The numbers weren't great for the first doubling, but came in line for the repeat. I still *knew*.

At 7weeks we went for our first U/S and saw a tiny flicker. A strong heartbeat, but slightly delayed measurements. And then we saw the big scary. A subchorionic haematoma which would account for the bleeding and would scare the pants off me.

Then the bleeding stopped. And I had hope and I didn't *know* anymore. And I talked to the peanut in my belly and I willed it to live. I loved her (I don't know why her), and wanted her and hoped some more.

Our ultrasound two weeks later at 9w crushed me. The heart we once saw beating was still. Hubby cried, the tech cried, I haven't stopped crying. I thought my miscarriage happened soon thereafter.

Forward to the middle of July. I was having my annual with my GP and I mentioned that my cycle hadn't started back up. She added a beta to my bloodwork and wouldn't you know it, I was still registering a positive test. And not just a little positive (say 26) but higher than my initial beta returned. Dammit.

My 2 week retest was on the 12th. On the 16th I happened to have a followup with the RE and he ordered a beta as he hadn't gotten the 2nd tests from my GP. Still positive. 17th still positive, 19th still positive and not changing.

On the 17th I also had an U/S and it became glaringly obvious that things just aren't right. I've seen my uterus many times (after 8 IF treatments and one pregnancy - LOTS of times) and even I could tell it wasn't right. So. Now I wait for surgery. Surgery that I'm not happy about, that freaks me out, that I never thought I'd have. Surgery that is necessary.

Not only do I not yet know when I'll have the surgery, I also don't know who will be doing it. My Dr. doesn't have time on his schedule in the next two weeks, nor do any of the other doctors at his clinic. He's put in a call to the OB head at the hospital 5 min from my house, but I haven't heard yet.

So ya, we tried, we failed and I don't know what happens from here. I thought I was healing and coming to terms with the loss and now I'm back at square one.