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Aug. 21st, 2010 @ 09:02 pm The post I need to write
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It's been a long time since I gave a real update here and I've been struggling with my lack of posting. Much of the posting I had done was in private posts that I'll now be unlocking. I have a post, it has really been weighing on my mind, and blocking my ability to have any other conversations here, so here goes:

Hubby and I tried another round of IVF early this spring. As usual, I reacted really, really well to the drugs and they had to carefully manage me so I didn't overstimulate. They transferred 3 and I received a positive beta. Unfortunately I started bleeding the week before the test was done. I was told the usual - bleeding doesn't mean a miscarriage, but I *knew*. I repeated the beta, and repeated it again. The numbers weren't great for the first doubling, but came in line for the repeat. I still *knew*.

At 7weeks we went for our first U/S and saw a tiny flicker. A strong heartbeat, but slightly delayed measurements. And then we saw the big scary. A subchorionic haematoma which would account for the bleeding and would scare the pants off me.

Then the bleeding stopped. And I had hope and I didn't *know* anymore. And I talked to the peanut in my belly and I willed it to live. I loved her (I don't know why her), and wanted her and hoped some more.

Our ultrasound two weeks later at 9w crushed me. The heart we once saw beating was still. Hubby cried, the tech cried, I haven't stopped crying. I thought my miscarriage happened soon thereafter.

Forward to the middle of July. I was having my annual with my GP and I mentioned that my cycle hadn't started back up. She added a beta to my bloodwork and wouldn't you know it, I was still registering a positive test. And not just a little positive (say 26) but higher than my initial beta returned. Dammit.

My 2 week retest was on the 12th. On the 16th I happened to have a followup with the RE and he ordered a beta as he hadn't gotten the 2nd tests from my GP. Still positive. 17th still positive, 19th still positive and not changing.

On the 17th I also had an U/S and it became glaringly obvious that things just aren't right. I've seen my uterus many times (after 8 IF treatments and one pregnancy - LOTS of times) and even I could tell it wasn't right. So. Now I wait for surgery. Surgery that I'm not happy about, that freaks me out, that I never thought I'd have. Surgery that is necessary.

Not only do I not yet know when I'll have the surgery, I also don't know who will be doing it. My Dr. doesn't have time on his schedule in the next two weeks, nor do any of the other doctors at his clinic. He's put in a call to the OB head at the hospital 5 min from my house, but I haven't heard yet.

So ya, we tried, we failed and I don't know what happens from here. I thought I was healing and coming to terms with the loss and now I'm back at square one.
Who does she think she is?
angel
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From:neeroc
Date:August 23rd, 2010 04:45 am (UTC)
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Thank you so much.
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From:jkolovos
Date:August 22nd, 2010 01:52 am (UTC)
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There isn't a thing I'm going to be able to say to make you feel better...having been there 5 times myself, I know nothing can ease the pain. Give V some extra squeezes and take some time to heal your mind and body. I'm assuming you're having a D&C - which sucks - but perhaps they can do some testing to find out what's up. Sending you some hugs.
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From:neeroc
Date:August 23rd, 2010 04:47 am (UTC)
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Hugs gladly received. We had much of the testing (from a bloodwork pt of view) done after my second miscarriage, so it will be interesting to see if they will do anything else.
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From:i_beckygardens
Date:August 22nd, 2010 02:31 am (UTC)
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I am so sorry.
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From:neeroc
Date:August 23rd, 2010 04:47 am (UTC)
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Me too :(
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From:n_decisive
Date:August 22nd, 2010 03:38 am (UTC)
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Oh. :(

Sending you love, as there aren't words to express what I'm feeling for you right now.
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From:neeroc
Date:August 23rd, 2010 04:48 am (UTC)
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Thanks
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From:n_decisive
Date:October 10th, 2010 03:39 am (UTC)
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Just thought I would check in here to see how you're feeling. I've been thinking about you.
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From:neeroc
Date:October 12th, 2010 12:29 am (UTC)
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Thanks so much, I'm...well, not thinking about it much. It still hurts too much, but there are all the little things that I'm doing that move further and further away from 'hoping for baby'.
Who said denial was a bad thing?
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From:n_decisive
Date:October 12th, 2010 12:30 am (UTC)
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I think a certain amount of denial can be a good thing, rather like pain medication can be a good thing. It's all about not getting lost in either.

*hug*
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From:redgemini
Date:August 22nd, 2010 04:35 am (UTC)
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I'm so so sorry. I had my last loss last fall, and haven't been journaling regularly either.

Hugs your way.
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From:neeroc
Date:August 23rd, 2010 04:48 am (UTC)
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Hugs back to you, thanks.
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From:dawnvg
Date:August 22nd, 2010 04:58 am (UTC)
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I'm so sorry to hear you have been going through this. I know there are no words to really make you feel better but please know I am sending you my love and prayers.
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From:neeroc
Date:August 24th, 2010 12:19 am (UTC)
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Thank you.
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From:neeroc
Date:August 24th, 2010 12:20 am (UTC)
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I'm trying...well when I'm not wallowing and pigging out *g*
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From:shannon_elaine
Date:August 22nd, 2010 02:08 pm (UTC)
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I'm so sorry.
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From:neeroc
Date:August 24th, 2010 12:20 am (UTC)
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Thanks Shannon.
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From:running5k2day
Date:August 25th, 2010 07:41 pm (UTC)
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Thank you for sharing such an emotional journey. I am so very sorry for you loss & I send you my deepest condolences. I don't know why your little peanut had to go but I know that as tiny as it was...it left a huge void in your heart ((HUGS)).

Please keep me posted on your upcoming surgery so that I may include you in my morning prayers. Again, I am so very sorry.
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From:neeroc
Date:August 28th, 2010 04:13 pm (UTC)
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Thanks so much, I had the procedure yesterday - it was a bit of a last minute thing so I'm taking it easy for a couple of days.
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From:friscokitty
Date:September 1st, 2010 02:11 am (UTC)
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I haven't been on here in weeks so I've only just seen your post. I am so so sorry. (((HUGS)))
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