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Sep. 7th, 2005 @ 08:01 pm Where am I going?
Current Mood: depresseddepressed


I don't know what's wrong with me these days. I just can't seem to connect. Not with myself or my feelings, not with the outside world - news, not with people around me. I have been looking at friend's journals, and I just can't seem to comment on them. I can't share, I'm empty, drained. Okay, I do know what's wrong with me, I just don't want to admit it.

I hate watching the news. The human tragedy, the backstabbing and infighting, finger pointing. Then they start talking about the pets. I lose it. I actually cry.

Kids are returning to school. I don't have kids, I am starting school on Friday. I haven't gotten my books yet, I'll pick them up Friday. Neither of my courses are on the web yet, the astronomy one I signed up for 2 years ago, but had to drop. Last time the courses were on the web for at least a week before. This time I'm taking Video on Demand rather than attending the classes. I wonder if the Prof has the stuff set up for the section of the class that is live, but has forgotten about our section (I obsess)

My bike is driving me nuts. It doesn't look like there are any more issues with it, I should be getting it back shortly. J has suggested buying it from me for $2.75K I would have asked for 3.2 before the accident, I'm not sure what I can get for it now that it has been dropped. I say $3 to buy it, but I'm not sure that I want to sell. I mean if I get a fixed bike back, its better than having no bike. And sure I can get a couple of grand for my bike, but if I'm looking at spending $8-9K for my next bike, I don't have that now! Oh and then, if I do sell the bike this year, I'm going for IVF in November, if that works, chances are I won't be buying a bike next year. (Let's just leave alone the fact that it won't work) If I don't buy a bike next year, will I ever again? He's just IM'd me and will give me 3 and the 500 for the repairs. I really should take it, its the best offer I'm going to get, but hubby will hate me not having a bike for the rest of the season. We just got them insured to do riding together, and haven't been out together once.

I have been working on my resume, to apply for the job I posted about. A friend of mine has also applied for the job, it feels kinda weird. I am full of negative feelings and I keep talking myself out of applying. What the hell do I want that job for anyways? Why would I want the added stress? I've done what I can with my current job, I've been doing it for two years now, I figure its time for a change. Is this the right move for me? It would certainly be a huge career leap. Some of the whine-ass people I'd have to deal with would put a huge amount of pressure on the job. I can do this job, and I can do a damn fine job, but do I want to? And if I do get the job, what will that do to my school, what will it do to our plans for starting a family? Who the hell knows. Let alone the fact that writing a resume after 15 years is like ripping my eyeballs out of my head.

I have expenses that are owed to me from trips I took almost a year ago. I haven't submitted them. I can't bring myself to track down and file all the paper work. Oh, on that note, I haven't filed my taxes yet for this year.

I don't have a doctor, she retired this July, I couldn't have been arsed to find another one. I haven't been to a dentist in years, I need to find one.

My days get crazy busy. I am going back to school, and will need time for studying but I keep getting invites, and obligations. There are things I have to do, people I have to see. I have people ordering candles, others that want scrapbooking supplies. I am up to host the next poker game - have been up for it since May or June. I can't keep putting people off. I have the softball tournament this weekend. I also am committed to going to see the opera Saturday night. I have friend's that I haven't seen in ages that keep contacting me to get together, and yet I'll I keep hearing in my head is that people really don't like me, that I'm not good enough. Funny thing is if I keep putting them off, it will be self-fulfilling, people will stop contacting me. I have family and friend birthdays and events coming up and all I want to do it go away and not talk to anyone.

All of this leads to IVF - I'm 35 years old. What the hell am I doing trying to have a child? I should just take the hint. It scares me. I used to be so confident. We would be good parents. We be loving, caring, have the right balance of everything. Now, when I think about it, I worry, I worry that something will happen to our child. I worry that we won't be good parents. Hell last night as I fell into bed exhaused, I wondered how I would cope if I had to deal with a child when I was that tired. Are we too set in our ways? Should we just be happy being a couple? I always wanted a big family, and now I face the fact that we may never have any children. I looked forward to fostering and adopting, sharing our love, now, I don't know what the hell to do. I don't know how to face the rest of my life. My depression and our ages don't make us great candidates for adoption, nor does the fact that we don't have any parenting experience - kinda ironic isn't it.

Ya this is crap. I really have to stop being such a dumbass.

Who does she think she is?
catspit
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From:radiostace
Date:September 8th, 2005 12:50 am (UTC)
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It's not crap. I nodded throughout your entire post.
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From:neeroc
Date:September 9th, 2005 03:12 am (UTC)
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I am really not glad I'm not the only one, but I know you understand. Sorry for subjecting you to that, but thanks for reading. I really feel better since I wrote them out.
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From:running5k2day
Date:September 8th, 2005 04:01 pm (UTC)
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Okay-1st...SELL THE BIKE! That's a nice deal the guy is offering you. I've lost so many friends due to motorcycle accidents and none of them were at fault! Sell the bike-there are other things that you can do.

2nd-You are NEVER too old to begin to have a child. I am 37 and as you know, 12 weeks pregnant. So...if I was able to do it at my age (thank you IVF!), so can you. Be a bit more positive on this-trust me. Oh! And you WILL MAKE EXCELLENT PARENTS. Geez.

3rd-Ouch! That Dentist visit is gonna be a doozy. You've waited how long? Wow! I hate the dentist!

4th-the Best of Luck on your job search. I am sure you will get the perfect job and I am positive that your new resume will kick ass.

5th! Taxes! Ack! File Girl-File!

6th-It's better to be busy than to be bored and idle like me. I am turning into a freaking cow! So glad that you have many things and people to keep you busy. It's the best! Lucky you!

Okay-so your life doesn't suck. Things will be okay. Take a deep breath and have a nice drink and enjoy. You are beautiful, talented, and have great potential for the future. Chin Up!

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From:neeroc
Date:September 9th, 2005 03:23 am (UTC)
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Thanks sweetie, sorry about the freaking out - I think I've got a bit better grip.

((hugs))
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From:neeroc
Date:September 9th, 2005 03:17 am (UTC)
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Thanks for the encouragement. I feel really badly about subjecting my friends to that, but it really helped to vent, and I was tired of private posts.

Just the way you've listed things, I think I can tackle these things a bit at a time now. Some stuff has resolved itself, and I'm not so freaked out now.

Thanks again for your really kind words - ((hugs))
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From:mikeinthemoment
Date:September 8th, 2005 04:50 pm (UTC)

Ya know lady

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How to face the rest of your life: Just remember, we all end up in the same place anyway, that is to say DEAD, so, at least in my case, knowing what my fate will be, I can let go of the focus on the destination and focus more on making my journey as fulfilling and enjoyable as possible.

You wanna be a mom, then damnit be a mom, and be the best mom you can be! That the child is your blood or not doesn't really matter because it's the fact that you'll be sharing your love and guiding someone who needs the guidance during their growing process that truly matters. This is one small way to make a good difference in the world.

Ya wanna go to school, then go to school, and be the best damn student you can be! Piss on the doubts, they're only holding you back. You know what you want, now get your ass out there and get it! (don't make me have to get the switch)...;)

Remember darling, make good on the journey.
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From:neeroc
Date:September 9th, 2005 03:52 am (UTC)

Thanks man

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Thanks for the kick in the butt. I'll try to keep the freaking out to a minimum, and you can let those saplings grow :)
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From:caramaea
Date:September 9th, 2005 05:21 pm (UTC)
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The pets make me cry too. :( And I understand where you're coming from with the whole trying to get pregnant thing. I have kids and I am a good parent, but I wonder too if I'm too comfortable. All my kids can feed and dress themselves and I don't have to worry about them swallowing small objects. I wanted a baby so bad, but after losing two... I'm just not so sure anymore. :(
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